Eurovision 2018 – The Big Five & Portugal

You’ve almost made it! Just six more songs to consider and you will be a Eurovision champ. Part 3/3.

We’ve made it to the last of this year’s contestants, can you believe it? I also didn’t think it would ever end. To manage expectations: you will most likely be bummed out by certain countries not making it into the final. In the end, the quality of the song only counts for like 50 percent. This also explains that the five biggest donors to Eurovision get to go to the final straight away, because otherwise it wouldn’t be “fair”. That’s the world we live in: the rich get shit for free and the poor fight each other with melodrama and glitter. The odd one out here is last year’s winner and this year’s host: Portugal. We are in Lisbon because of Salvador Sobral: a sickly little whiney baby that inexplicably won everyone’s hearts last year. It looks like they think they found their niche, but more on that below. I will also list the top 10 according to the odds I found online in a reasonably trustworthy source. They will blow your mind. And not necessarily in a good way.


France – Madame Monsieur – “Mercy

This song is not bad at all but it is very understated. The chorus is catchy but I’m afraid it will most likely be drowned out by all the noise of the other contestants. There is a bit of room for a singalong at the end, which does make this song a bit more promising. Overall it is a nice little ditty, and after last year’s win anything can happen. France is also a favourite among the Eurovision bets.

Germany – Michael Schulte – “You Let Me Walk Alone”

Michael has got the most flawless curls. What’s your routine, boy? The song is another Ed Sheeran-esque pop ballad, but without an interesting twist. If anything it feels like each part of this song was stolen from several of Sheeran’s hits. The drum that’s added in the final chorus is a nice touch of additional drama, but this is just too familiar. For an emotional song it lacks heart and sincerity. I know Eurovision is the home of the calculated battle, but a good calculation should make you feel something other than dead inside. 

Italy – Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro – “Non Mi Avete Fatto Niente”

Italy went political this year with a touching song about humanitarian crises and war. I adore the video with the captions that switch languages every two lines, it’s so smart and touching. I think this song is very well constructed, the way it gets more intense and rough, then has a little quiet dramatic moment and comes to an emotional climax. I really like this song although it might not be as intense as Ukraine’s 2016 entry which supposedly wasn’t intended to be aimed at Russia as it was reflecting on the past, but let’s be honest we all knew it was (which is why the song won). Eurovision doesn’t allow political songs, and so Italy’s song this year is risky, but as it’s a universal appeal to the world that doesn’t accuse anyone directly, this is about the furthest you can go without getting in trouble. 

non mi avete fatto niente

Spain – Amaia & Alfred – “Tu Cancion” 

Spain is the only country with a emotional duet this year, which would work in their favour if it was actually a good song. Regardless of the intense build-up in this song, nothing actually changes. The violins get a bit louder, sure, but I think by now we’ve become desensitised to violins so I’m not feeling it. I actually got lost in thought while listening to “Tu Cancion”, and that’s probably not a great sign. 

England  – SuRie – “Storm” 

I definitely see what the intention was with “Storm”, and it could have been great. It’s definitely a lot better than what we’ve been sending in over the past years and depending on the live performance this could actually work out quite well. However, the recorded version ultimately underwhelms and doesn’t go all out. It’s a very British attempt at a euphoric “we will overcome” banger, meaning that it falls short in the drama department. It’s just too respectable, gentle, and civil. Nice try, though. 

Portugal – Claudia Pascoal – “O Jardim” 

Claudia has pink hair and can’t sing for shit, that about describes Portugal’s contestant. We’re they scared they might have to host again and did they do everything in their power to not have that happen? Or were they riding the inexplicable Salvador Sobral high with this moanfest? I could punch whoever wrote this piece of garbage. 


Odds according to the internet:

  1. Israel
  2. Norway
  3. Estonia
  4. France
  5. Czech Republic
  6. Cyprus
  7. Bulgaria
  8. Sweden
  9. Italy
  10. Australia


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